mean mama


grateful, content, here.
January 2, 2008, 12:47 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I think that 2007 was mostly good for us, though it all seems a jumble of such new things and sudden experiences that it’s hard to reflect clearly.

Going from being a stay-at-home mom to a working one was really good for me. Finding a job while taking care of my two boys full time without any help was quite stressful but worth it in the end. I honestly didn’t miss being home with them for the first couple months working, I guess because I was so burned out from having been home with them and dealing with child-related ordeals over time. Only in November did I start to feel real joy from my two days per week at home with them. Now I’ve spent the entire winter vacation with them and don’t want to give them back to daycare! (Although I know that having my husband around to help is quite a different thing than being with them by myself all week.)

My husband’s fall in the park and hospital stay in the cardiac ward in June was not a great part of 2007. It was another reminder of how fragile life is, and the fact that it was him and not the boys in trouble this time had new weight to it. He still has not undergone a test he was supposed to (bad!); however, we think he fainted because of a serious B12 deficiency. Turns out that it runs in the family. He has gotten his levels up, and hopefully he will stay well.

It’s just those damn reminders. This is the third Christmas season since the boys were born, and P and I still think about our first Christmas with them, and the days leading up to it. My one boy had no sooner come home from the NICU than he had to be rushed to the PICU, where we learned after many tests that he was very anemic because he was destroying his own red blood cells. A week later, we took him home, administering epogen shots to him every couple days. His levels were supposed to be going up, but on Christmas Eve his hematologist called and said that they had gone down instead and that he needed another blood test. If that blood test showed the same downward trend, we’d have to bring him to the hospital for a transfusion on Christmas. Worse, we would have to question why the epogen was not working and face scary possibilities for causes of his problem. Miraculously, the Christmas Eve test showed his levels rising. He did not have to go to the hospital. Months of epogen and then other, newer scary things, including a cancer scare, followed. Things finally started to level off when he turned one year old.

The point is, the reminders that we could lose something most precious to us stay with us. For me, they feel milder and occur less frequently with time but don’t disappear. I think this is okay. It would not be okay if they were still in my face and affecting my way of living. That’s not the case, though. Time really has healed to some degree. Now, when November and December bring their reminders of what it was like to just hold on long enough to get through the next day, we find ourselves feeling quite fortunate and content that we are in a different place now. We can laugh in the midst of being really overwhelmed, and that’s new for us. My husband and I believe that it’s our awareness that things really could be so much worse that allows us to enjoy the smallest things in the midst of hard times.

What I’m trying to say is that I really do feel grateful and glad for every moment that is good or even decent. I don’t think I would felt this way had we not been through what we went through when the boys were born. I am not happy about all the crap we went through, but I’m happy that it wasn’t worse and that we’re hear to tell the story. Basically, it’s really nice to feel fortunate and content as 2008 arrives.

———
As the new year comes about, I find myself thinking of new things I’d like to blog about:

  • how it took me 2 whole years to get used to my loss of a “kid-less life” and feel okay about my loss of freedom
  • how it took me a month of the boys being sick and a dicey Christmas break to realize that P and I are actually not bad pretty good parents, even in the midst of chaos, and that we might just do a good job with 3 kids
  • how I assumed everyone else around me was a better parent than I because they have more money and material resources than I do – and how f-ed up that is – and how I am realizing that’s not the case.
  • how I’d like to leave the Big City in exchange for a smaller city
  • how one day I am convinced – absolutely convinced – that I want a girl this time and the next day I am convinced – absolutely convinced – that I want a boy this time
  • how this pregnancy is making me, at times, mentally loopy, and I am starting to question my kids’ daycare, my neighborhood’s safety (it’s quite safe), and NYC’s potential for another terrorist attack. Hormones suck.
  • how my single friends tell me I’m lucky that I’ve found someone and have kids already while they’re still looking and how I take that for granted because I see all the freedom they still have.
  • how braggy parents – which pretty much includes all parents – annoy me, and I don’t know what my problem is.
  • how/why it is that I am a mean mama.

Happy New Year!

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

how I’d like to leave the Big City in exchange for a smaller city

If you decide to seriously consider this, let me know. There are big issues on both sides of the move…

b.

Comment by Bill

Glad you’re feeling grateful. And looking forward to your posts, especially about being a mean mama, since to me you seem like anything but.

Comment by Lo




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