mean mama

April 16, 2008, 2:04 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am happy that I have made it this far. Really I am.

But today, I woke up and just cried. Today it just really hit me like a truck: I miss my boys so much. It’s not just emotional. It’s a physically maternal urge to have my sons close to me, to hold them, hug them, kiss them, care for them. I have now been officially separated from them longer than when they were in the NICU. That was harder, but many of those maternal urges are the same. Strangely, this time I am here and they are the ones at home.

I am lonely. I am used to either being at work with colleagues and students or with the boys and/or my husband. I have visitors every few days, and that’s great, but it’s not enough. Luckily, I get phone calls a lot from my friends, and that feels like direct human contact. Still, passing the days alone and stressed as to whether my daily monitorings and tests will come back okay is getting to me.

I feel like I haven’t been my boys’ mother for more than a month now. I have been this baby’s mother, but I do not know this baby yet the way I know my boys.

One of my OBs told me that I will wish I could go home and then as soon as the baby is born premature, I’ll feel guilty that I wished that. He then went on to say that I have no control of when this baby comes, so even though all of these feelings exist, they will not change the course of nature. He is right. So today I feel okay about saying that I wish I could go home. That is despite the fact that I know this baby needs to stay in. I’ve been through this waiting and fear and hardship before, and I know what prematurity can mean, both through my own experiences and those of others. But I still feel so sad that I can’t go home and be my boys’ mama again.

I’ll be okay, though. I just have to cry and get it out once in a while, and then I can go back to being strong. I do need strength to get through this, and that comes from all different sources. Friends, family, a kind word from a nurse or an aid, a visit from a favorite doctor, a good test result, the baby’s kicks, the boys’ pictures hanging on my wall, something good to eat (a luxury here), my incredible husband, and spirituality. And you. I love your comments. Thanks again.


10 Comments so far
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meanmama, i have no idea what it is like that you are going thru… but i know what its like to need to feel your feelings and cry them out :} so here is a big hug and i have tissues to hand you…

thinking of you lots and wish i was closer, i would come visit you 🙂

Comment by gypsygrrl

A friend of mine had her daughter at 31 weeks and brought her home a week later! So just imagine, you AND your new baby could be home sooner than you think. Here’s hoping.

Comment by Jane

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. Hang in there. Lots of love coming your way.

Comment by Jen (yup, another one)

Cruising right into 31 weeks soon 🙂

I’ve had those days myself, where you just need to cry to let it all out. No harm in that, I say, let ‘er rip.

But I am sorry that things have to be so hard. I’m not sure why women like ‘us’ (you know, IF’ers or former IF’ers), get dealt more crap on top of everything else we’ve gone through. Do give yourself credit, though–you’re so much stronger than you think…as is meanbabyboy.

Comment by Dee

Thinking of you every day.

Comment by Lo

Oh, sweetie. I am thinking of you constantly. I am so proud of you and meanbabyboy for getting this far. But the being apart from the boys thing is so giant and horrible and I can’t fathom how deeply hard it must be. Every night during my alone time (aka, the 10 minutes I spend in the shower) I send all my love and best light toward you over there. When I am sure I have kicked this cold we all picked up in CA I will come and visit you again. Love you tons.

Comment by bri

sending you SUCH strength. And love.

Comment by shelli

you are doing SUCH a great job!! hang in there! and keep yourself busy with stupid tv, like Groomer Has It on Animal Planet… it’s awful and hilarious.

Comment by Casey

Let it out… cry all you need to. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to be separated from your boys. And home. and everything in your life. You are doing an incredible job. Keep hanging in there— one second at a time. You will get through this- I am amazed at every post you write, how incredibly strong you are.

Comment by JB

Just letting you know I am still reading about your journey, sending some prayers your way, and hoping that the rest of the time flies by. You are such a stronger person than I would be, I don’t know how you are doing what you are…so crying seems like such an appropriate thing to do. I think you are carrying the strength of a super hero!

Comment by sara

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