mean mama

strange new world / updates
April 25, 2008, 1:48 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Is it my zany hormones, or did I just emerge from life in a bubble and now must live in another world, where people roam free and expect me to actually converse with them?

I live in a very neighborhoody neighborhood. Even though we are just renters on relatively owner-heavy block, people take an interest in us. I attribute this mainly to having blond-haired twin 2-year-olds. Turns out that for the 5+ weeks I was gone, my parents and P’s parents managed to fill the block in on what was going on. Now, everyone from our landlords to our to next-door-neighbors to the elderly Italian man down the street to the liquor store owner knows our story and has been overjoyed to see me back. Overjoyed until I have to tell them about the baby still being in the hospital and not coming home until probably sometime around his due date in June.

I have been through the whole NICU thing before. In many ways, it doesn’t phase me. Most people have not had personal experience with the NICU and are shocked and horrified that a baby would not come home with his or her parents. Most people are nice about it, but you can see it on their faces. Having to explain what is going on to these innocents is hard, because you see in their faces what lies somewhere deep within you, or did at some time in the past: shock and horror.

In some ways, I liked my bubble. People were caring for me all day, and the only job I had was to stay put for the baby’s sake. That’s a big job, but it’s a singular one. Coming home, I have so many jobs that I can’t even say. Most are not things that someone else can help with. My sister came yesterday, and she is helping to entertain the boys, which is great. Lots of times, however, they still want me because they are insecure that I am not staying around. This is especially the case with M, and it’s really heart-breaking. It plays into my guilt about having been gone for all that time, and it also plays into my irrational fear that we’ll be separated again, a fear that he and I clearly share.

I have become fixated on little things. One of the things currently bothering me the most is that M’s speech has gotten a lot worse since I was gone. Keep in mind that J was the one getting OT and speech, not M (M did not originally qualify). His speech regression is only in the area of articulation, not vocab or sentences or receptive. He is just getting really hard to understand. He is being re-evaluated anyway, but I am not sure he will qualify for EI on articulation alone. NY standards have gotten a lot worse. I may have to get him some private therapy, which will be a financial strain. Groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. But at least people will quit saying, “I don’t understand you,” which could turn into a self-esteem problem all too quickly. The other thing is that I am going to take him again to and ENT doc. It was suggested a few months ago that he may need tubes in his ears and should be re-evaluated.

So that’s my obsession right now because I blame his problem on my being gone and need an obsession other than the NICU. Healthy all around, eh?


The big news, though I am loathe to tell it because I am superstitious, is that MBB was take off the ventilator yesterday for a trial run on CPAP. He’s done well so far. I believe that they are not giving him any extra oxygen, just room air. He may try some breastmilk through a tube today. We will see after rounds. It’s a lot for him to deal with at once, but they are considering the milk because they can’t get his bilirubin down, even with the help of the lights, so they think feeding him real food (as opposed to IV protein and lipids) may help him to poop, which may help bring the bilirubin down. For some reason. J was under the light a zillion times during his NICU stay to no avail, and even after all of that I still can’t understand the whole deal as well as I should.

MBB is getting a lot more active, trying to pull out the CPAP. He is getting back to his old self- he was a crazy mover inside of my womb.

Yesterday one of the NICU docs said, “So I guess you’re wondering when you’ll be able to take him home.” And it occurred to me that I hadn’t really been wondering that at all. I know the drill – on or around the due date. It’s early, but I’m not over-anxious to take MBB home. I really just want him to be healthy and stable before he joins in the chaos that is our family. I also don’t want to bring a baby home and then take him to the PICU 3 days later for a week’s stay like we had to with J. I say keep him in until he is good and ready. Maybe I’ll feel differently later, but that’s where I am right now.

Oh, and my milk came in big time. I am filling bottle upon bottle, and my tatas went from a modest C to somewhere around an E over the course of a day. Even I am in disbelief. They would be outrageously sexy, except that I still look 6 months pregnant. So I just look big and lumpy instead.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Wow, it sounds like little man is doing wonderfully!!! That is so great to hear he is already on room air cpap. I hope he does well with his feed today, and I hope you get back to feeling like your old self soon.

Comment by Jean

Yay for MBB and milk coming in and you being home! I’m sorry the transition is rough and I hope the boys start to feel more secure soon. Good luck with the evals.

Comment by Jen (yup, another one)

It must be so strange to be home after being in the hospital for so long– I think it will take awhile for you and your family to adjust! I’m glad to hear that MBB is doing well — here’s hoping there are many positive updates to come!

Comment by JB

So great that MBB is doing so well in the NICU.
Your neighborhood sounds great.


Comment by Calliope

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