mean mama

so much to write…
April 28, 2008, 12:52 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

so little energy.

I am trying to insert a picture of me and my boy into this post, but wordpress is failing me. Meh.

Anyway, MBB continues to amaze. He said, “Screw the CPAP” and is on a high-flow nasal cannula. It gives his lungs some pressure so he can, you know, keep breathing.

Sorry, I’m in a mood.

Also, they are feeding him 10ml of breast milk through a gavage tube (in through the mouth or nose, down to the stomach). He was taking 5ml and tolerated it, so they increased it. He’s been pooping like a champ for the past day. That should help bring his bilirubin levels down. If it does, he’ll come off of the lights, at least for now. (J never really achieved low bilirubin levels, so I am a skeptic.)

What else. He has stopped losing weight and started gaining. He is 3lbs something, heading back to 4. I finally got to hold him on Saturday for 20 min, skin to skin (kangaroo care). It was great. He is so light! He definitely feels smaller than my twins did. Like a little, frail bird who can’t fly yet. And his arm and leg skin bunches because there’s no fat. His cheeks are deceivingly round. He has no butt to speak of. His toes and fingers are reallllllllly long. His feet are huge.

We are heading in a good direction at the moment. He has started to have some heart decelerations, but that’s no surprise, as he is a preemie with less lung support now and some relfux from feedings. I hope the road ahead, though perhaps long, will continue to be somewhat uneventful. I hope. Being the skeptic I am and knowing all too well what it’s like for “surprises” to pop up at the most unexpected times, I can’t say I’m feeling relaxed, exactly.

A big hormonal thing started happening to me Friday night and then only increased into yesterday. Irrational tears and food aversions and exhaustion. But here is the question: how do you know if it’s baby blues or post partum depression or just plain crashing from having been hospitalized for 5.5 weeks/running to the NICU/missing your new baby/having 2 VERY EMOTIONALLY NEEDY sons at home/still healing from the birth/not getting enough sleep because of waking up to pump every few hours/having some confusion over the fact that you are not pregnant anymore?

I have a script for xa.nax. I have never taken any sort of brain drugs before on a regular basis. I am willing to go there (boy, am I!), but being that MBB is a preemie, I don’t trust any drugs at all, much less one that could sedate my baby, while I am providing breast milk for a now-32-weeker.

The one thing I do have going for me is mucho excess breast milk. So a glass of wine at night and a discarded feeding may help.


5 Comments so far
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Yeah for MBB for gaining wait and doing so well!
I don’t have any answers, but I do hope you start to feel better soon. Very very soon.

Comment by JB

my two cents, for what they’re worth, is that it makes so much sense for you to crash given all of the stress you have been and are going through. much strength to you and MBB (not like you don’t already both have plenty of your own in abundance).

Comment by sn

If you’re concerned about Xanax, I sometimes take an anxiety drug called Klonopin (clonazepan) that may mesh better with bf-ing. You can ask your doc about it if you wish… But I definitely think wine is what the doctor ordered as well.

Comment by Lo

Lo and I both looked up in Dr. Hale’s book, Medications and Mothers’ Milk. I’ll email you info, if you want it.

I’ve found that Rescue Remedy is helpful with anxiety. Not sure if you’ve ever tried it.

And in case you don’t know this, you don’t need to pump and dump after a glass of wine. Alcohol doesn’t accumulate in breast milk. It’s present in breast milk while you’re intoxicated, and then after your blood is free of alcohol so is your milk. So, have your glass of wine and wait until you feel neurologically normal to pump or for 4 hours depending on who you believe. If you already knew that… sorry for stating the obvious.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and are concerned about PPD, I’d encourage you to take care of yourself above all else. I know breast milk is ideal for MBB, especially with wanting to get his bili levels down, but if you need to take something that’s contradindicated with bfeeding, by all means, consider doing it. You can pump and dump in that case to keep your supply up. Or you can pump less often, giving the some time to clear your system. But I hope you will take care of yourself if you need to.

That having been said, with all you’ve been through and are still going through, I think feeling overwhelmed and anxious is 100% understandable and doesn’t necessarily mean you’re veering toward PPD. Obviously, I don’t know. Maybe just stay in touch with your doctor(s) about it if you’re concerned.

Take care.

Comment by Co


been thinking of you every day, and wanting to write and say *hey* ~ and got totally side-tracked with nursing process papers and preparing for my second exam which is tomorrow. anyway ~ hang in there with everything! i have no advice or anything really helpful, except to say we are here listening for your to share anything you are feeling and thinking.

SOSO glad you got to hold the little man. i bet he does feel sooo light ~ i used to do those heelsticks on newborns and one day we had a little peewee 5-pounder and a 10-pounder back-to-back and it was stunning how teensy the 5-lb girlie was.

your little guy is a strong little boy! remember, little birds only seem frail ~ they survive a lot of tough things 🙂

give him a little squish from his internet aunties, ok?

Comment by gypsygrrl

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