mean mama

spit it out
April 30, 2008, 12:55 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am beginning to lean more on this blog than I have probably leaned on any other blog I’ve had before. I think it’s survival. Usually I depend on my friends to vent. I don’t feel like talking to people as much lately. I think it’s just exhaustion, having to re-explain things over and over. In this blog, I can say it once- for myself- and move on.

There are so many things that I would like to really sit and write about right now, but rarely do I have the time or energy. Today I’ll use bullets. Sorry if it’s too much to read. I admit, this rambling is mostly for myself, to get it all out of my swirling head.

  • MBB is off breathing apparatus and doing well like that. He is still in an incubator because he can’t maintain body temp because he doesn’t have much fat. We tried breastfeeding a couple of times. He tried to latch and suck – it was very cute. He gets realllllllllly sleepy, though, and he can’t really do it for long or effectively. But I am proud of him nonetheless. He still really needs his gavage feedings to get real nutrition, and he is still on IV protein, too. He is up to 20 ml of breastmilk via gavage, but sometimes he doesn’t digest it all and they need to skip a feeding. He’s still a little guy.
  • In some ways, it seems like the boys’ stay in the NICU was more eventful than this one so far, which scares the shit out of me. When will the other shoe drop, I wonder. I hate to be like that, but the fact is that I am used to unexpected, scary things happening.
  • I am used to unexpected, scary things happening, but on the other hand I have grown in faith and optimism over the past couple years to the degree that I sometimes do not recognize my old self. I have discovered that you can go through really hard times and come out loved and loving and hoped for and hoping. It’s a remarkable discovery for me, personally. Could it be that there is something solid now at my core that makes this time a little easier? I hope so
  • I don’t know if I had blogged about this, but the night before my water broke, P and I went to another city, the city where we first fell in love, and had a night in our favorite hotel and our favorite restaurant. I left my sons at my parents’ house overnight without me for the first time (they had stayed at our apartment with my parents a few times, just not at their house). I was nervous. The overnight was so wonderful, though. We took a long walk through the city. I hadn’t had the energy to take a long walk in quite a while. It was a spring-like evening. People were out on the street, and everyone seemed so happy. When P and I were at the restaurant, all of these old feelings came out, and I felt for the first time in a long time that he and I would be solid and vital in our relationship for a long time to come, even with the pressure that a third child would certainly put on all aspects of our lives. I felt like we were a couple of old friends/lovers, experiencing an awesome combination of being in-love and also having that solid feeling of having been together for years. That feeling has stayed with me since that night, even through all of the crap we’ve been through since. In fact, the nights he stayed with me at the hospital and took care of our affairs and worked and visited the boys, all of it made me feel stronger in my love for him. And when we did the VBAC childbirth together, it only brought us closer. I feel a renewal of in-loved-ness for him, and it’s a wonderful and scarily intense feeling all at once. Too bad I have to wait another 4.5 weeks to get it on with him. (Don’t worry, there will be no more “oops pregnancies” in our future – thought I should put that forth.)
  • The hospital I was in for so long and where my boy is now is so fabulous. I will never be able to repay the doctors, nurses, aids, consultants, everyone who took care of me and is still take care of me and MBB. They really are good at bedside manner stuff. They keep you going, keep you optimistic and nurtured. While I was in the hospital, not only did I receive basic services, but was also visited by a nutritionist who would bring me goodies to supplement the gross food; a social worker who arranged for a meditation expert to come to my room every week; a nurse manager who checked in on a regular basis and helped me figure out a plan for after the birth that I would feel comfortable with so I would not have to stay in a room this time with a woman who had a full-term baby with her. The doctors were more than doctors- they were friends who would sit and stay a while when doing their daily rounds. My favorite nurses would pop their heads in and check on me, even on the days when they were not assigned to me. And there was an aid who gave me a card with $20 in it when MBB was born – an AID! I really want to get them all something small to show them how special they all are.
  • My hospital is very pro-breastfeeding. If I didn’t want to bf, I would be so annoyed by it, in fact. As soon as the baby is born they tell you that they have set up a appointment with a lactation consultant for you the next day. They make you pump if your baby is in the NICU. And the folder that they give every new mom has a huge BREASTFEEDING 8×11 pamphlet front and center. So anyone out there who thinks that all hospitals have a devil’s deal going with formula companies needs to reconsider.

I think that’s all for now. Whew, that’s a lot.


11 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Wow–that sounds like a wonderful hospital. So glad it is excellent and you can focus on your boy in a supportive place. That is very cool about your core.

Comment by Amanda

I’ll second the wonderful hospital comment.

And you write beautifully about P. What a wonderful family you five are.

Comment by Lo

Wow – I’m so glad you and P had that great night together, and the glow from it has stayed with you since.

Yay for MBB and his awesome breathing powers! GO MBB! Do you need hats for him? I have NICU hat knitting experience… just say the word!

And man, that is one fabulous sounding hospital. I’m so glad that’s where you were and are.

Comment by Jen (yup, another one)

hey meanmama,

i wrote you a lengthy comment to the previous post, and for some reason wordpress or the ether decided it needed a snack, and it vanished. damn comment monsters. anyway ~ i have been reading and reading, but not really commenting ~ i am in the last two weeks of school and everything gets ramped up a notch and i usually drop off the face of the commenting-earth and just wanted to say i am still here and thinking of you and your family!

love ya!

Comment by gypsygrrl

Thanks for the update on MBB. I’m also glad you have a renewed loved for your husband and that you feel good about the folks at the hospital. Take care.

Comment by Co

Congratulations on the birth of your little one. I hope your baby’s NICU stay continue’s to be uneventful.

Comment by jen

I love reading your blog and I’m so glad it gives you an outlet during this extremely stressful time.

Glad to hear that MBB is such a champ and the hospital has been so wonderful to you!

Comment by JB

so glad to hear that MBB is doing well.

Comment by melissa

Glad the hospital has been so good to you and to MBB–and yea for him too! Growing up and off vent/CPAP/etc. 🙂

Love that you are in a good place both mentally and physically (i.e., that particular hospital).

May the next 4.5 weeks zip by so you can get a little “bow-chick-a-bow-wow” on with Uomo.

Comment by Dee

I love the spit it out bullets. I have been thinking about you guys.

Comment by Calliope

Just wanted to let you know my son and I walked the March of Dimes walk this weekend in NY and especially though of you and MBB. God Bless.

Comment by S

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