mean mama

July 3, 2008, 4:42 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I never enjoy the calm after the storm. It just feels eerie to me.

Not that you can call my life calm, exactly, what with the infant and two toddlers living in my home. But you know, this period that is post-NICU/pPROM disaster.  It’s just so… calm. It’s not that I want another disaster- no thank you. I just am not sure what to do/how to feel. There is some aftershock that I can just barely feel, that goes without notice much of the time. But in the quieter moments, it’s there, and it’s creepy.

Life continues as it always does, though. MBB is gaining weight like a champ, and though I think his nose has sounded kind of stuffy, he has not seemed to catch our full-blown cold as yet.  He’s a fighter; I think maybe that is just his nature. I hope so. In addition to our own disgusting germs, I’ve had to expose him to all of New York’s City’s grossosity by having him on the subway or bus every single day this week.  While I am fairly confident that taking an infant and one of two toddlers on public transportation is easier than taking any set of young twins anywhere, it is still a bit messy, and I am tired.  Plus, our destinations have not been thrilling. Most of them have involved finding a school for J or therapy/ doctors appointments.

The most important doctor visit, I suppose, was to my OB for my way overdue postpartum visit. I stopped mentioning on the blog that I’d been bleeding AGAIN, because how many times do people want to hear about one’s faux menses? Let’s just say it’s been an issue. The OB, after my u/s, said that my uterus was not down to its original size yet, and that it is probably just contracting more than average in hopes of getting its girlish figure back. She also noted that having 3 babies in the course of 2 1/2 years can make that process slower. I then remarked that sometimes the days-long bleeding happens after, er, les rapports, to which she answered that it didn’t sound like that kind of bleeding, and, further, that she was mightily impressed by us. Awkwarrrrrrrd.

Also a bit of a stressor to me is my urge to go out with P coupled with the fact that we do not have a dependable babysitter right now. Do you ever just feel like you need that date time with your partner? (By date, I really mean date and not sex.) What do you do when you can’t have it?

At least we are making some bits of progress in the search for a special pre-school classroom for J. There are some openings in local schools, despite what we were originally led to believe. It’s tough, though,  because he scored age-appropriate in the cognitive part of his eval even though he needs all of these therpaies. Also, he is generally a sociable kid, so when people meet him they are not really struck by anything particularly amiss.  Of course, I’m glad that J is smart and friendly, but it makes for convincing people that he needs a special ed classroom difficult. This is typical of a lot of LD (learning disability) kids I work with. Strange how my work life and real life are overlapping so much of late.

I have plateaued at 17 lbs. above pre-pregnancy weight. This time is so different than the last, when I was all but 8 lbs. away by this point. It’s okay, except that I have no clothes that fit.  I finally bought a pair of jeans the other day, because it was either maternity jeans or size 8s, neither of which I was anywhere near fitting into. I tried WWs points system for nursing moms for three weeks, and lost 2 lbs. total. If you have ever been on the program, let me tell you that you get a whole 10 points per day more than what you would normally have, which is a LOT. I was afraid of cutting the points more because I thought I might be jeopardizing my milk supply; however, now that it’s flowing like wine, I think I  might try again. Because I just don’t like not feeling like me, plain and simple.

I have been thinking about my body and trying to appreciate it, though. pPROM (premature Preterm Rupture of Membranes) is so weird.  I look at MBB and am amazed that this currently healthy baby is the product of a disaster pregnancy.  How could my water break at 26 weeks and he still be here as he is? It’s hard to know whether to feel angry at my body for f-ing up or to feel indebted to it for managing to aviod infection for five weeks to sustain the pregnancy safely. But I think I lean toward the latter. I guess I’m amazed that someone whose first month of TTCing ever resulted in emergency surgery of a ruptured cyst and ovarian torsion, and someone who did not seem to take to pregnancy very well, could have three kids only a few years later. A happy ending?  My susperstitious nature makes me so hesistant to believe that it’s true, but the evidence is in front of me.

I am not joking or being sentimental, but rather asking with a messed up, post-traumatic sort of disbelief when I ask this:

Could I really be this lucky?


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i would totally come babysit for you. if i could bring a friend LOL i dont think i could do three kiddos on my own… its awesome that you are so wanting to have date time with your honey, and that that relationship is a big priority for you. i think a lot of times, it gets lost in the fray of having little kiddos or a new one… i admire you for that.


Comment by gypsygrrl

you really are that lucky so enjoy it….also, I definitely vote for being indebted to your body for all it’s done and been through (and look at the beautiful “results”!)…and finally, when we need a date night (either an actual date or sex) and it can’t happen I tend to just get grumpy and throw mini-tantrums whining all woe-is-me-like (though I’m quite sure others will have better words of wisdom and/or coping 🙂

Comment by Dolores

yup, you are that lucky. it’s really amazing.

Comment by sn

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