mean mama

September 18, 2008, 5:29 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

warning: shiny happy post ahead

I would not have predicted that I’d define having twins and a newborn as “tranquility,” back when I was trying to determine whether to have a third child, and even when I was pregnant with MBB. But there is a shift happening here that feels right. The boys are in school, we found a great babysitter, and I will start back at my job, which is more than just a job to me, in a few weeks. Sure I am panicked at times when I look at my adorable, smiling baby: how can I leave him? He was so hard-won, and he is a miracle for sure. But those panicky times are not frequent enough for me to assume they are speaking to me any louder than the excitement that leads me each day to work on newer, better ways to teach my students, to lead them to do things they didn’t know they could do.

There is true bliss in having this third baby here with us. He makes everything different, new, amazing and yet just calmly goes with the flow much of the time in true third child form. He is a chubby ball of smile that seems to just roll around our apartment amidst the constant chaos. What was I ever thinking, being scared to have another baby? This new family is just right. It is hard sometimes for sure, but not too much harder than it was having twins in the first place. The biggest issue is that sometimes the boys want a little more attention than they are getting.  But mostly, it’s just… just bliss.

P and I went on a very cool date the other night. The coolest thing about it was that we felt like not a day had passed since before we had kids and used to just hang out together whenever and wherever we wanted. We didn’t really worry about or even think much of the kids – not that it would have been wrong if we did – but it just didn’t happen that way. I think our relationship is doing well. It does get neglected frequently, but we seem to be able to pick it back up on a regular basis and both see each other as husband and wife and in love and lust rather than just co-parents and best friends.

I have also chilled out about renting a smallish apartment (as opposed to owning) and not having a lot of things at this point in my life. I think this really surfaced when we had to do nanny interviews, and I was nervous about whether anyone would want to work in this environment. I saw that it was okay and that I should be happy to have a warm, cozy place to live in a neighborhood I like instead of mourning what I don’t have.  And I also see that I am living per my values, and that’s not only okay but is great. For example, I am making good decisions for all three of my kids right now in terms of their education and childcare. I can afford to buy local and sometimes organic food. I can afford to hire a babysitter and go on a date once in a while, which is definitely an investment in our relationship day-to-day and long-term. Maybe we can’t save money for a couple of years, but we will pick that back up when we can and be okay.

I have to say that putting pregnancy and childbearing behind me is a huge relief too. I’m sure this would be harder for me to accept if I didn’t have such problematic pregnancies. I could never, in good conscience, be pregnant again however, because pPROM recurs. Next time I might not be so lucky. I have been considering some things that happened in my first pregnancy with J and M, and looking back I think it’s possible that I may have experienced a slow leak without knowing it, meaning that my latest pregnancy may have already been a recurrence of pPROM. I’m not ready to write about that, but it’s a strange and creepy possibility.

Despite being done, I have been having dreams lately of a girl.  There are many interpretations of this. Women dream of baby girls all the time, and many times I think they are dreaming of some part of themselves. I have been dreaming of a baby girl for years and years; now she’s a 4-year-old, and I’m just not sure what it means. The other day, I said to P, “If we are out of NYC someday and living in a bigger space and doing well, maybe we’ll adopt a girl- not a baby but a child.”  He said with a strange confidence, “Yes.”  It was just one of those weird moments. But the thing that makes it not so crazy and okay, to think about the future and to dream, is that we are okay with where we’re at right now. So regardless of what we do or don’t do in our future, we are rid of the aches of when will it happen and what if it doesn’t work. I think that’s tranquility.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I’m loving this post…that’s awesome and inspiring to the rest of us so thank you and keep enjoying it all…

Comment by Dolores

I love this happy place you’re in. I’ve been there myself lately too.

Life is good, even more so when we realize just how good we actually have it. Sure, there are some ‘challenging’ days (and moments, etc.) but, overall, I couldn’t ask for more right now.

Glad to hear that you feel that way too 🙂

Comment by Dee

Beautiful post. I’m glad you guys are doing so well. Dates are a good thing!

Comment by Melissa

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